Desperately seeking quiet

Image by Esi Grünhagen from Pixabay

Have you noticed how noisy it is? It’s so noisy everywhere. Even in the rural setting I find myself with the population actually dropping, it’s still so loud. But now and then I find it. Floating in a kayak on the Cheshire Reservoir or sitting in the wee hours before sunrise on our sun porch.

But even then I find another obstacle to quiet…the thoughts in my head. My own internal noise pollution. And what remedy do I turn to? More noise.

I often listen to podcasts when I’m driving or working. I almost always turn the TV on when I’m cooking, and I listen to music when I’m exercising. Sometimes I frame it as multitasking or keeping me company during the task. But more often, it feels more compulsive, like I’m trying to drown out any thoughts that might creep in. As if they might swarm me like hornets, and I’d have no recourse but to flail my arms and run for my life.

A meditation teacher once said that regular meditation is like cleaning out an attic. Initially it seems full and overwhelming, but after a while the space gets cleared out and you can see the rafters and the floor boards.

With this in mind, I’ve been more committed to meditating almost daily for the last couple months. I set a timer and sit with my eyes closed for 10 or 15 minutes right after I wake up. It’s like I’m doing a quick morning tidying up of my brain.

But I’ve realized this alone isn’t enough. It’s like doing the dishes everyday, but never wiping down the counters or changing the sponge. So I’ve been trying to expand this to other times of day. When I ride my bike, I leave my earbuds in my pocket on the return trip and let things bounce around in my head.

At minimum, I’m trying to be more honest about why I’m turning on music or the tv or the radio. Is this because I’m genuinely interested in the content or I’m just trying to keep my internal monologue on mute.

Along the way, I’ve made three discoveries:

#1 When I give my mind permission and quiet time to just wander and ramble, fewer thoughts and worries build up in my head. It’s like having a release valve to keep the pressure at a manageable level.

#2 The thoughts aren’t as bad as I thought they would be. Sometimes I rather enjoy spending time with them.

#3 Being quiet in community is a powerful and restorative exercise. In February, I started offering a monthly quiet reading hour at the library. Everyone gathers around 5:30 and gets settled. From 6pm to 7pm, the only sounds of the turning of pages. It provides everyone with permission and accountability. Permission to do nothing but get lost in a book and accountability to commit to it for an hour.