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Whose values are right?


When I think of all the workplace conflicts I’ve experienced in my career–sometimes as an observer and sometimes a participant–I can divide them all into two categories: 1) Acute conflict that happens over a specific event but usually then gets resolved relatively quickly. 2) Chronic conflict that like a chronic illness might ebb but never really goes away until you find a cure.


Acute conflict can be shocking and overwhelming, but has a shorter life span. Chronic conflict among co-workers is like a festering wound; they have the potential to infect the whole work place. It is like a full pot simmering on the stove, it’s always on the brink of boiling over, and it sometimes does. Then it cools down a bit but never stops simmering. 


When I saw these chronic conflicts boil over, I used to roll my eyes and think, “Can’t they just act professional and get along?”


Now that I’m a seasoned professional, eh hem… I still roll my eyes, and then I pause and ask myself, “What values are they each trying to defend?” 


We all show up to the work place with different worldviews, experiences, and expectations. 


People inherently think their values are right. But what if we took the judgment out of it and just said, “We all have values. They are all different. They are not good or bad.


What might be a new outcome if you looked at chronic conflict through this lens: What values are clashing with each other?


For instance, let’s say Co-worker A sees their job as a calling and Co-worker B sees their job as a means to support their hobbies. 


Co-worker A will likely come in early and stay late. They will go above and beyond the requirements of their job description and only miss work when it is unavoidable. Co-worker B will likely show up on time, leave on time and do their job proficiently, but will set clear boundaries between their work life and their personal life.


Because Co-worker A finds great purpose and meaning in their job, they may see Co-worker B as undedicated and uncaring. And because Co-worker B sees their job as a source of income that funds their passions outside of work, they may see Co-worker A as overly consumed with their job. So who’s right? Who’s wrong? I guess it just depends on whose values you agree with.


There is a Buddhist concept called “near enemies.” Unlike “far enemies” that are clear opposites, “near enemies” look the same, but are actually quite different. For example, someone can think they are showing compassion, but really it is pity, which seems similar to the person expressing it but quite different to the person receiving it. 


I’ve seen a similar confusion in our attachment to our values. Is the value that Co-worker A holds dear really dedication or is it self-sacrifice? Is Co-worker B really expressing healthy boundaries or indifference?


Not being fully grounded in our values can compound conflict with others. We might have a value that we think is important, but we are not living and practicing it. So when someone comes along and challenges or questions us on it, feelings of anger and being disrespected can bubble up.


On the other hand, when we are committed to our values and incorporate them fully into our lives– both work and personal– we have more resilience when they clash against someone else’s. The need to be “right” is reduced, and the desire to understand where the other person is coming from is a more likely response.


One more thought on conflict:

Whether it is a specific event or an ongoing sore spot, conflict can cause us to behave badly and say things that don’t reflect who we truly are. Not every mess can be cleaned up. Not everything that breaks can be put back together. 


But sometimes it can. Ernest Hemingway wrote, “We're stronger in the places that we've been broken.” In fact, there is a form of Japanese art that honors the philosophy that there is beauty in the cracks of life. 


We don’t get to control how other people react or respond, but we do get to choose our own path forward. It is helpful to see the conflict for what it is: A spill that just needs to be wiped up or a broken mug that will never be the same. (But might have the potential to be better!)








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